Thoughts and Observations II.

When i hear the name Asdrubal i picture someone who looks like Count Dracula's pretentious bisexual second cousin. Beer from long neck bottles is one of life's simple pleasures that the working man enjoys. My wedding was so fucking awesome it gave Chuck Norris a heart attack. And Chuck Norris is so fucking tough that he kicked the heart attacks ass. Squale is the man. So is Nangley. Watching a piece of your brand new couch fly off the back of your truck is pretty fucking awesome but only after you know it doesn't hit anyone. Kellogs sells bags of individually flavored cereals that you mix and match to create your own flavor. I wish i was there when whoever thought of this idea pitched it to someone else just so i can hear them say "Holy shit. That's the greatest fucking thing I've ever heard." I hate Brett Favre. Now is the time for a serious rival to ESPN and Sportscenter to rise up from the ashes. I watched a documentary about obesity on the National Geographic channel that posed the question "Are plus size pageants redefining beauty?" Based on what I saw the answer is definitely no. You know it's all bullshit anyway, the least fattest chick always wins. It's like they are saying that they believe people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, to a point. Explaining their car insurance bill to the elderly is kinda like explaining geometry to Hellen Keller. Yeah it's possible but who really wants to do it? Sure you can invite me to a lesbian bridal shower but there's no fucking way I'm going.

Thoughts and Observations.

It's more embarrassing buying a toilet plunger then it is German "Shizer" porn.
When you say "Ewoks are the original Gungans" to your wife you're really not saying anything at all. There's really no good way to explain a motor-boating that took place to your wife that you were a part of and she wasn't. Not even if it occurred before you were married. Especially not if it was at the bachelor party. But if have to, then i recommend taking as long as possible to do it and end with "It wasn't so much as me and my face motor-boating her boobs as it was her boobs motor-boating my face." and hopefully she won't want to hear anymore. Why are there no lower case numbers? How come in Episode I Darth Maul has the bad ass sleek little Sith probe droid and in Episode V the Empire has these noisy, obvious, clunky pieces of shit? I don't buy it. I vow to never again watch even a minute of Episodes II or III and reserve the right to skip any parts that suck in I. Life's too short for that shit. The Dude abides.

Random Pic

Portable Printer and Myspace

I have a portable printer in my home. It's a lot like the one you've got in your home, except for 3 things. 1., it's probably a little older, 2., my wife carries it all around the house with her, (that's why it's portable), and 3., it's always pissing me off. I trip over its cord which gets stretched out across the living room, at knee height, at least three times a week. I go to sit down on my spot on the couch but it's there, sometimes hiding under a cushion. It even makes it's way into the bed between us. At midnight she's still up pecking away on her lap top with papers spread out all over the place and I'm curled up in a little tiny ball in the corner of the bed like its a shower scene in a rape movie, crying because I can't sleep while listening to that wretched (mimic printer noise in your head) sound that haunts my dreams, screeching over and over, line by line. The same sound also coincidentally also wakes me up at the ass crack of dawn each day. Cackling like some maniacal mechanical rooster whose goals in life, in order of importance, are to make sure that i start off each and every day pissed off from the second I wake up, to keep me from ever getting more then 4 hours of sleep in a row in my own bed, and to print papers.

And that's not even the worst of it. No, what really annoys me, my biggest fear, is the fact that i know that one day very soon the maddening whooshing/screeching sound will stop...That it will cease to exist because the device that made it will have died of natural causes, as devices tend to do around it's age. Especially ones that get constantly relocated haphazardly around the house, from room to room, back and forth, up and down the stairs that also double as a foot rest/tray table/cuddle-bud. And that I will never hear the end of it, I promise you, for as long as I live. Even if it's ultimate demise had nothing to do with me, it will still somehow still be my fault when it goes. Like it was my fault the dog decided to randomly jump on the coffee table and spilled my beer all over the place, including the printer. Claiming it hasn't worked right since that day and that has to be the reason why it suddenly stopped working 42 days later and the 336 hours in a row of non-stop use doesn't have anything to do with it. It could be something like, like who knows what, she'll think of something, she'll make it up if she has to, it doesn't matter whether or not it actually happened. Just the thought that it could have happened is enough to make me the scapegoat. She could drop it down the stairs and claim it was my fault she dropped it b/c she was mad at me for not taking out the garbage. Or because she thinks she caught me jerking off to pictures of her hot friends online again. What can I say to that? Do I defend myself knowing it will only lead to a bigger argument, or do I just acknowledge that it is somehow my fault and just move on, knowing that either way i will will be blamed for it in the end?

And by the way, speaking of online, hasn't social networking made jerking it to pictures of your wife's/girlfriend's hot friends so much easier? Especially the ones that are on Myspace. Facebook is good too, but there's nobody named Mom-Mom on your Myspace friendlist. No, Mom-Mom didn't catch on until Facebook blew up. There's no wall posts from Uncle Mickey on Myspace saying that he "would appreciate it if you cooled it with the language because he doesn't think his church group will approve." Your Mom's status isn't "Disappointed" w/ a stupid little yellow sad face on Myspace because yours is "Drunk on a Tuesday cuz the Knicks suck", because neither of them is on Myspace, only Facebook. So Myspace gets all the better pictures and information and shit. My interests on Myspace are blow jobs, suck jobs and mouth jobs. On Facebook it's my wife, comics and Xbox.

I'll tell you somebody else who isn't on Myspace either, most of her married friend's husbands. Yea, so in all their pics on Myspace they're at least 5 years younger, dressed twice and slutty and it's before they had a kid, so it makes all of them 10x hotter and more strokable.