I'm sorry, did i miss a memo or something? When did Arizona become the redneck capital of the world? Who woulda thought that Arizona of all places would be this country's leading producer of dumb-stupid-moronic-ignorant rednecks who scarcely deserve the air they breathe? Because if i had to guess, i woulda said that it woulda been Arkansas or somewhere like that. But no, I'm wrong, its definitely Arizona. By far it has become the preeminent breeding ground for the stupidest bunch of motherfuckers this country has to offer. Did Arizona legalize brother-sister fucking and it somehow went under the wire? Think I'm wrong? I beg to differ, read below.
http://abcnews.go.com/US/arizona-neo-nazi-sheriff-candidate-killed-family/story?id=16269803
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/lady-sorrows-ariz-baseball-team-forfeits-state-title-041333504.html
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-rt-us-usa-immigration-arizonabre8491k5-20120510,0,1652084.story
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/08/gabrielle-giffords-shot-c_n_806211.html
Saturday, May 12, 2012
70-year-old virgin seeks wealthy mate
http://blogs.ajc.com/news-to-me/2012/05/11/70-year-old-virgin-seeks-wealthy-mate/?cxntlid=thbz_hm
To me this is the same scenario as the dude who refused to sell his issue of Superman #75 (the one where he dies) outside of Charlie's Comix for $100 after he just paid only $10 for it because he thought "its gunna be worth a lot of money some day". Then 20 years later he's forced to sell it for $9 and handjob. And he's the one that got a handful of cock. Sorry “Sexational Pam” but not everthing appreciates with age, you gotta learn the art of "selling high."
I wouldn't touch your crusty old vergina even if i were compensated handsomely to do so. Your fuck-hole is probably riddled with ancient STD's like "bubonic taint" or "twatrotis" that haven't even been checked for in a century. And not only are you old and gross but i also contend that you are a lying gold digging motherfucking whore. Do you really expect me to believe that you had a shot at fucking Englebert Humperdinck and you actually turned it down? Bullshit. Good luck trying to snowball some dude into your dried up old cooch and I hope you die before I ever have to hear your name again. Really, what whore passes up Englebert Humperdinck's dick? LIAR!
To me this is the same scenario as the dude who refused to sell his issue of Superman #75 (the one where he dies) outside of Charlie's Comix for $100 after he just paid only $10 for it because he thought "its gunna be worth a lot of money some day". Then 20 years later he's forced to sell it for $9 and handjob. And he's the one that got a handful of cock. Sorry “Sexational Pam” but not everthing appreciates with age, you gotta learn the art of "selling high."
I wouldn't touch your crusty old vergina even if i were compensated handsomely to do so. Your fuck-hole is probably riddled with ancient STD's like "bubonic taint" or "twatrotis" that haven't even been checked for in a century. And not only are you old and gross but i also contend that you are a lying gold digging motherfucking whore. Do you really expect me to believe that you had a shot at fucking Englebert Humperdinck and you actually turned it down? Bullshit. Good luck trying to snowball some dude into your dried up old cooch and I hope you die before I ever have to hear your name again. Really, what whore passes up Englebert Humperdinck's dick? LIAR!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
"Hop-Ruiter"-De Scheldebrowerij
Name: Hop-Ruiter
Maker: De Scheldebrowerij
Loc: Meer, Belgium
Type: Belgian Ale, Blond Hoppy Beer
Color: Yellow, Cloudy
Size: 1pt 9.4fl oz
A/V: 8%
Label: 10/10 Very cool to both read and look at
Review: I would absolutely buy this beer again. I can not think of a situation where I wouldn't want to drink Hop-Ruiter. The label says its a "hoppy-wheat" beer and I'd say that is absolutely true. It is a bit more wheat then hoppy, which to me is part of why its so good. This is just a good motherfucking beer that i will purchase as often as possible. I can picture both William Wallace and Batman being big fans of Hop-Ruiter. This is what Samwise was drinking the night he proposed to Rosie and I am sure the Double-Deuce had it on tap. As a general rule of thumb, if its Belgian then its probably pretty good.
10/10 Fucking Outstanding.
www.belgianexperts.com
Maker: De Scheldebrowerij
Loc: Meer, Belgium
Type: Belgian Ale, Blond Hoppy Beer
Color: Yellow, Cloudy
Size: 1pt 9.4fl oz
A/V: 8%
Label: 10/10 Very cool to both read and look at
Review: I would absolutely buy this beer again. I can not think of a situation where I wouldn't want to drink Hop-Ruiter. The label says its a "hoppy-wheat" beer and I'd say that is absolutely true. It is a bit more wheat then hoppy, which to me is part of why its so good. This is just a good motherfucking beer that i will purchase as often as possible. I can picture both William Wallace and Batman being big fans of Hop-Ruiter. This is what Samwise was drinking the night he proposed to Rosie and I am sure the Double-Deuce had it on tap. As a general rule of thumb, if its Belgian then its probably pretty good.
10/10 Fucking Outstanding.
www.belgianexperts.com
Weird thoughts...
Where do they come from? The other night i told a friend a mine about how i recently got a telemarketer to hang up on me after i told her that she interrupted me from training my pet spider monkey how to not try and peel my uncircumcised penis like a banana. His response was, "Oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you? How do these thoughts enter your mind?"
And i thought about that for a minute, and i really don't know. It just came to me, i didn't really have to think about it. It was just another weird thought I had. Where do weird thoughts in general come from, funny or otherwise? That's what i wanna know.
I remember this one time i was outside hanging out by myself reading, and no one was really around, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, i suddenly had the thought that i should jerkoff. And i immediately knew that was weird, but where it came from or why, I have no idea. And of course i didn't jerkoff, I'm not an animal, I don't have to act on every thought I have, but that doesn't mean I didn't have it.
If I knew where weird thoughts came from and how to control them then I'd probably rule the world by now. But since I don't, I'm just another weird white guy that frightens Asian women.
And i thought about that for a minute, and i really don't know. It just came to me, i didn't really have to think about it. It was just another weird thought I had. Where do weird thoughts in general come from, funny or otherwise? That's what i wanna know.
I remember this one time i was outside hanging out by myself reading, and no one was really around, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, i suddenly had the thought that i should jerkoff. And i immediately knew that was weird, but where it came from or why, I have no idea. And of course i didn't jerkoff, I'm not an animal, I don't have to act on every thought I have, but that doesn't mean I didn't have it.
If I knew where weird thoughts came from and how to control them then I'd probably rule the world by now. But since I don't, I'm just another weird white guy that frightens Asian women.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
"Baltic Thunder"-Victory Brew Co
Name: Baltic Thunder
Maker: Victroy Brewing Co.
Loc: Downington, PA
Type: Porter (Baltic style)
Color: Black
Size: 1 PT 6FL OZ
Alc by Vol: 8.5%
Label: 7/10 Cool enough to make me notice it
Review: Brought a nice unique flavor to a style of beer (porter) that I am familiar with. It was not just another porter but at the same time was not too far gone from being a porter that it was too weird/different/ecclectic for my taste (like the crem brulee flavored one that my wife bought me once that was so sickly sweet and awful i can only describe it as tasting like liquid easter candy).
Baltic Thunder is a very solid beer that i can easily see myself being able to drink several of in a sitting and potentially in abundance. Its a light-tasting, clean porter that does not linger like some heavier porters have a tendancy to do. It is as refreshing as a porter can be.
To me this is the type of beer that would have been served in the better taverns of Middle Earth. The cool ones at least. I could easily see myself having a few pints of this either after a long day of kicking ass on the battlefield with my gigantic battle axe (or mace) or after a long day of peasant work out in the fields. Either way its a mans beer and a damn good one. 8/10 Kick ass
Maker: Victroy Brewing Co.
Loc: Downington, PA
Type: Porter (Baltic style)
Color: Black
Size: 1 PT 6FL OZ
Alc by Vol: 8.5%
Label: 7/10 Cool enough to make me notice it
Review: Brought a nice unique flavor to a style of beer (porter) that I am familiar with. It was not just another porter but at the same time was not too far gone from being a porter that it was too weird/different/ecclectic for my taste (like the crem brulee flavored one that my wife bought me once that was so sickly sweet and awful i can only describe it as tasting like liquid easter candy).
Baltic Thunder is a very solid beer that i can easily see myself being able to drink several of in a sitting and potentially in abundance. Its a light-tasting, clean porter that does not linger like some heavier porters have a tendancy to do. It is as refreshing as a porter can be.
To me this is the type of beer that would have been served in the better taverns of Middle Earth. The cool ones at least. I could easily see myself having a few pints of this either after a long day of kicking ass on the battlefield with my gigantic battle axe (or mace) or after a long day of peasant work out in the fields. Either way its a mans beer and a damn good one. 8/10 Kick ass
Beer Basket
So I won a basket of beer in an auction at a cancer benefit. And since the name of this blog is "1,000 Beers" I figured it would be a good idea to blog about each beer. They are all micro-brews in the (mostly) 25oz and $10 a bottle range. I don't have the most educated palat but I'll try (I don't even know how to fucking spell palat but you know what I mean). I will also try to not be a douche bag about it. So here goes...
Friday, March 30, 2012
Jim Beam Devil's Cut = Worst Thing to Happen to Rednecks Since Crystal Meth
Has anyone seen the commercials for this new bourbon called "Devil's Cut"? Apparently the folks over at Jim Beam found a way to extract the bourbon that was trapped within the wood of the barrel resulting in a new 90 proof product.
Yeah, because that's what rednecks really needed in their bourbon, more bourbon. You don't have to be Yoda to foresee an increase of DWI's, belt-beatings and brother-sister-cousin fucking in Kentucky's near future.
Yeah, because that's what rednecks really needed in their bourbon, more bourbon. You don't have to be Yoda to foresee an increase of DWI's, belt-beatings and brother-sister-cousin fucking in Kentucky's near future.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Traditionally the trifecta of quantifying a woman's hotness, in no particular order, were, tits, ass and face. Now, I'm not complaining about the original holy trinity, it has served us all well for generations and personally I am a big big big big big fan of them. But I've always felt like something was missing from the equation, that it wasn't taking something meaningful into consideration but could never but my finger on what was missing.
Well Eureka I've found it! Ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, let me introduce to you the newest parameter in ranking a woman's hotness, "The Fuck Zone". The Fuck Zone is defined as the area on a woman's body starting at around the naval and ending approximately half way between her crotch and knee. And it is fantastic. This is definitely a region of the body that our eyes are automatically drawn to and we all check out but never had a way to easily identify to our buddies. Until now.
Below are pictures of Sara Underwood from Attack of the Show. Not only is she a perfect example of an excellent fuck zone but she also was the inspiration for this revelation. As i was watching her on G4 tonight i realized i couldn't stop staring at that sweet, supple fuck zone area as i imagined spreading 1000's of my dead babies all over it.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Phil Hughes Story - "Last Year Was A Failure"
http://espn.go.com/new-york/mlb/story/_/id/7652149/new-york-yankees-phil-hughes-says-last-year-was-failure
Here is a list of people i can not stand in this world. 1., The homeless who are only homeless because they’re drug addicts and want your sympathy/money. Fuck you, I wish I could wake up every day with my only worries being where am I gonna sleep next and how am I going to get $10 so I can score some meth.
2.,Alcoholics who say they have a “disease”. Bullshit. If enjoying getting shitfaced by noon is a “disease” then I got it too. But i also got something known as self-control and only choose to do so when appropriate.
3., Meter-maids There’s a difference between “just doing your job” and doing your job with a raging hard-on. Kill yourself right now.
4., Politicians. Slimy grease-balls who make a living fucking you and I over while trying to convince us that they’re doing so in our own best interest.
And finally 5., Professional athletes who can’t stay in shape. I have absolutely zero tolerance for you. You get paid millions of dollars to play a kid’s game and you can’t even stay physically fit enough to do so? People will gladly fork over hundreds of dollars that they really can’t afford to just for the chance to watch you play live and you can’t even give them the goddamn decency of showing up in shape?
I am/was a big Phil Hughes fan. I liked his calm demeanor on the mound and the way the ball just exploded out of his hand. Plus there’s nothing I like better out of my favorite professional sports teams, especially the Yankees, then nice home grown talent to cheer for (as opposed to hired scrubs like AJ Burnett, Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown etc).
I was glad he wasn’t traded for Johan Santana or Roy Halladay or anything like that but something like this does make me wonder. If he’s having problems like these in his mid 20′s, what’s it gonna be like when he’s 30, 32 years old and even less motivated to put his work in during the off-season?
I hope Phil Hughes realizes that he fucked up, this is unacceptable and returns to form this year. That last year was just a momentary lapse for an incredibly talented kid who maybe never stopped celebrating winning his first World Series at such a young age because I really like the way this rotation looks with him in the 5 spot and have no faith that Freddy Garcia can come anywhere near approximating what he did last year.
One final note. The other day somebody asked me if I think the Yankees regret getting rid of Ian Kennedy and not Phil and my answer was absolutely not. I’m glad he’s doing well out in Arizona but Arizona ain’t New York and Kennedy does not have the make up to be successful in New York and he would have never succeeded here.
Here is a list of people i can not stand in this world. 1., The homeless who are only homeless because they’re drug addicts and want your sympathy/money. Fuck you, I wish I could wake up every day with my only worries being where am I gonna sleep next and how am I going to get $10 so I can score some meth.
2.,Alcoholics who say they have a “disease”. Bullshit. If enjoying getting shitfaced by noon is a “disease” then I got it too. But i also got something known as self-control and only choose to do so when appropriate.
3., Meter-maids There’s a difference between “just doing your job” and doing your job with a raging hard-on. Kill yourself right now.
4., Politicians. Slimy grease-balls who make a living fucking you and I over while trying to convince us that they’re doing so in our own best interest.
And finally 5., Professional athletes who can’t stay in shape. I have absolutely zero tolerance for you. You get paid millions of dollars to play a kid’s game and you can’t even stay physically fit enough to do so? People will gladly fork over hundreds of dollars that they really can’t afford to just for the chance to watch you play live and you can’t even give them the goddamn decency of showing up in shape?
I am/was a big Phil Hughes fan. I liked his calm demeanor on the mound and the way the ball just exploded out of his hand. Plus there’s nothing I like better out of my favorite professional sports teams, especially the Yankees, then nice home grown talent to cheer for (as opposed to hired scrubs like AJ Burnett, Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown etc).
I was glad he wasn’t traded for Johan Santana or Roy Halladay or anything like that but something like this does make me wonder. If he’s having problems like these in his mid 20′s, what’s it gonna be like when he’s 30, 32 years old and even less motivated to put his work in during the off-season?
I hope Phil Hughes realizes that he fucked up, this is unacceptable and returns to form this year. That last year was just a momentary lapse for an incredibly talented kid who maybe never stopped celebrating winning his first World Series at such a young age because I really like the way this rotation looks with him in the 5 spot and have no faith that Freddy Garcia can come anywhere near approximating what he did last year.
One final note. The other day somebody asked me if I think the Yankees regret getting rid of Ian Kennedy and not Phil and my answer was absolutely not. I’m glad he’s doing well out in Arizona but Arizona ain’t New York and Kennedy does not have the make up to be successful in New York and he would have never succeeded here.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Alabama man in post-BCS video bonds out of jail
I told ya it was tough to call who the biggest loser was in that video. What kinda 32 yr old man goes around teabagging drunken college dudes? Now it seems a bit gayer to me. http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/news?slug=ap-bcs-viralvideo
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Video from Deadspin
http://deadspin.com/5876249/an-alabama-fan-teabagged-a-passed+out-and-now-supposedly-dead-lsu-fan-at-the-bourbon-street-krystal
The title is spot on. I get why the dude tea bagged him. I get why he pretended to fornicate his face and back fat and all that. I don't find any of that to be weird or anything. But what i don't get is why (around the 1:08 mark) he sticks his finger up the dudes nose? Whats that accomplishing other then revealing some weird deep rooted long repressed homosexual fetish? That's very strange to me. Also watch the end very closely. The teabagger puts his nuts away and then grabs his nachos from the ledge which, it appears, he's sharing with one of his buddies. Keep in mind just seconds earlier he was rubbing his palm all over his bare nutsac and just before that his finger was literally shoved up some drunk dude's nose. Everyone winds up a loser in here but I'm not sure who loses the most.
The title is spot on. I get why the dude tea bagged him. I get why he pretended to fornicate his face and back fat and all that. I don't find any of that to be weird or anything. But what i don't get is why (around the 1:08 mark) he sticks his finger up the dudes nose? Whats that accomplishing other then revealing some weird deep rooted long repressed homosexual fetish? That's very strange to me. Also watch the end very closely. The teabagger puts his nuts away and then grabs his nachos from the ledge which, it appears, he's sharing with one of his buddies. Keep in mind just seconds earlier he was rubbing his palm all over his bare nutsac and just before that his finger was literally shoved up some drunk dude's nose. Everyone winds up a loser in here but I'm not sure who loses the most.
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