Thoughts and Observations IV.

Only fat people say things like "I hate the taste of water." Most of my plans for the future involve a time machine and some shenanigans or hare brained scheme. When I go to the movies I have to buy the biggest popcorn they have, not because I plan on eating it all, but because only approx 1 out of every 12 pieces actually makes it into my mouth. My doctor told me to stop drinking so much because I am damaging my liver. I asked him how long I got and he said in a very serious voice "at this rate, mid to late 40's". Relieved i said "Don't scare me like that. That's great news." Surprised he asked why I think that's good and I told him "Because by then they'll be selling livers at Walmart." He does not share my optimism. Do they separate midgets and child molesters in jail? You ever see a mannequin that was so life-like you actually had a naughty thought or two? Yeah, it happened to me today and now I am no longer welcome at the Baby Gap. I decided it was time to lose weight when I noticed that my shadow looked like Grimace with tits. Don't ask me "Whats up" while I'm taking a piss. If you don't already know the answer to that question then how do you do it? You don't make small talk with a man who's holding his dick, that's gay.

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