The Expendables

I saw The Expendables today and this is what I think. I think if you have a pair of balls and don't like this movie then you must love cock. And if you don't have a pair of balls and you liked this movie then you must love pussy more then i do. It was fucking awesome. When i was in line to buy my ticket there were three dudes ahead of me that were all by themselves and all bought tickets for it. When it was my turn i said "Toy Story" in my toughest sounding voice and the cashier looked at me funny. Then i said "Na just kidding The Expendables" and she started laughing. During the previews there was a trailer for a movie called Devil that looked kinda intriguing at first but when the name M Night Shamashithead flashed on the screen there was an audible groan of disappointment from the audience. My favorite kill in the movie was Ivan Drago stomping a dude to death while he was driving a truck, that was fucking cool. My favorite death was Stone Cold going down in a fiery ball of flames. I'd feel bad saying that Stone Cold's straight right to the jaw of the broad was the funniest part of the movie (I think I was the only one who laughed out loud) so I'll go with Stallone driving a plane and drinking beer, or FUI, instead. Biggest suprise: the black guy didn't die. Overall I'd say "The Expendables" is a must see for anyone who thinks guns, knives, fighting and/or explosions are cool and is bored to shit with CGI and other piece of shit movies like Fast and Furious, Triple x and Bret Ratner.

Thoughts and Observations IV.

Only fat people say things like "I hate the taste of water." Most of my plans for the future involve a time machine and some shenanigans or hare brained scheme. When I go to the movies I have to buy the biggest popcorn they have, not because I plan on eating it all, but because only approx 1 out of every 12 pieces actually makes it into my mouth. My doctor told me to stop drinking so much because I am damaging my liver. I asked him how long I got and he said in a very serious voice "at this rate, mid to late 40's". Relieved i said "Don't scare me like that. That's great news." Surprised he asked why I think that's good and I told him "Because by then they'll be selling livers at Walmart." He does not share my optimism. Do they separate midgets and child molesters in jail? You ever see a mannequin that was so life-like you actually had a naughty thought or two? Yeah, it happened to me today and now I am no longer welcome at the Baby Gap. I decided it was time to lose weight when I noticed that my shadow looked like Grimace with tits. Don't ask me "Whats up" while I'm taking a piss. If you don't already know the answer to that question then how do you do it? You don't make small talk with a man who's holding his dick, that's gay.

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Thoughts and Observations 8/4/10-8/11/10

You can call them eggs if you want to but I call them chicken abortions. Do the rules of "Shallow Water: No Diving" apply to midgets? I saw a guy at work who looked like he was a guest star on the TV show "To Catch A Predator". Jamaica is so fucking awesome you can almost lose a toe and not give a fuck. If you only watch one thing during Shark Week I recommend it be "Air Jaws II: Even Higher". It's bad ass. If you're like me then you spend more time on Netflix rating the movies you've already seen then you do watching the ones you haven't. If you're like me you rage out to Pantera's "This Love" in your head several times a week. I went to an Open House and spoke with an Australian accent the whole time. The Wife didn't find it amusing. "The Other Guys" was hilarious. I know instantly I'm not going to buy something if the commercial for it says that its a product I can't live without. I just don't see how it could possibly meet those expectations. I mean, if I've gone my whole life without a wall mounted automatic toothpaste dispenser then how will buying one now significantly change anything? Maybe if it also made my cock grow 7 inches or if I were to call within the next 20 minutes and they throw in a time machine and/or college degree as a free gift, all for just three monthly payments of $19.99, then we're in business. But so long as it's just the tooth paste dispenser I'll pass. I learned that in 1914 Texas was the first state to make marijuana illegal. Anyone else have a problem with the fact that it was Texas that set the legal precedent on this issue that all the other states and federal government followed? That right there in of itself should be enough to make everyone take a second look at it. Who outside the state of Texas thinks that Texans have any other good ideas about anything? Right now there's some elected public official in Texas trying to make it legal to mount a missile launcher onto his car. And he got elected by promising to lower the age limit for the death penalty to 12 and broaden the scope of its use to get rid of the Gay and Mexican "problems".