I have a portable printer in my home. It's a lot like the one you've got in your home, except for 3 things. 1., it's probably a little older, 2., my wife carries it all around the house with her, (that's why it's portable), and 3., it's always pissing me off. I trip over its cord which gets stretched out across the living room, at knee height, at least three times a week. I go to sit down on my spot on the couch but it's there, sometimes hiding under a cushion. It even makes it's way into the bed between us. At midnight she's still up pecking away on her lap top with papers spread out all over the place and I'm curled up in a little tiny ball in the corner of the bed like its a shower scene in a rape movie, crying because I can't sleep while listening to that wretched (mimic printer noise in your head) sound that haunts my dreams, screeching over and over, line by line. The same sound also coincidentally also wakes me up at the ass crack of dawn each day. Cackling like some maniacal mechanical rooster whose goals in life, in order of importance, are to make sure that i start off each and every day pissed off from the second I wake up, to keep me from ever getting more then 4 hours of sleep in a row in my own bed, and to print papers.
And that's not even the worst of it. No, what really annoys me, my biggest fear, is the fact that i know that one day very soon the maddening whooshing/screeching sound will stop...That it will cease to exist because the device that made it will have died of natural causes, as devices tend to do around it's age. Especially ones that get constantly relocated haphazardly around the house, from room to room, back and forth, up and down the stairs that also double as a foot rest/tray table/cuddle-bud. And that I will never hear the end of it, I promise you, for as long as I live. Even if it's ultimate demise had nothing to do with me, it will still somehow still be my fault when it goes. Like it was my fault the dog decided to randomly jump on the coffee table and spilled my beer all over the place, including the printer. Claiming it hasn't worked right since that day and that has to be the reason why it suddenly stopped working 42 days later and the 336 hours in a row of non-stop use doesn't have anything to do with it. It could be something like, like who knows what, she'll think of something, she'll make it up if she has to, it doesn't matter whether or not it actually happened. Just the thought that it could have happened is enough to make me the scapegoat. She could drop it down the stairs and claim it was my fault she dropped it b/c she was mad at me for not taking out the garbage. Or because she thinks she caught me jerking off to pictures of her hot friends online again. What can I say to that? Do I defend myself knowing it will only lead to a bigger argument, or do I just acknowledge that it is somehow my fault and just move on, knowing that either way i will will be blamed for it in the end?
And by the way, speaking of online, hasn't social networking made jerking it to pictures of your wife's/girlfriend's hot friends so much easier? Especially the ones that are on Myspace. Facebook is good too, but there's nobody named Mom-Mom on your Myspace friendlist. No, Mom-Mom didn't catch on until Facebook blew up. There's no wall posts from Uncle Mickey on Myspace saying that he "would appreciate it if you cooled it with the language because he doesn't think his church group will approve." Your Mom's status isn't "Disappointed" w/ a stupid little yellow sad face on Myspace because yours is "Drunk on a Tuesday cuz the Knicks suck", because neither of them is on Myspace, only Facebook. So Myspace gets all the better pictures and information and shit. My interests on Myspace are blow jobs, suck jobs and mouth jobs. On Facebook it's my wife, comics and Xbox.
I'll tell you somebody else who isn't on Myspace either, most of her married friend's husbands. Yea, so in all their pics on Myspace they're at least 5 years younger, dressed twice and slutty and it's before they had a kid, so it makes all of them 10x hotter and more strokable.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Tale Of Two Titties
So the other day I'm at this titty bar, and it's not just any titty bar, but the kind that opens two hours earlier and closes two hours later then any of the others. What that also means is that its twice as dirty and the girls are twice as nasty then at any other as well. So I finish my 4th lap dance with the least fugliest dancer and she tells me i owe her 80 bucks. And I'm like, Bullshit I only owe you 20. She goes, No, it's 20$ per dance, you got four so it's 80 total. I say, I know how many dances I got, but they only cost at most 5$ per dance, not 20$, that's just ridiculous. She's gets all annoyed at me and asks why I think they only cost 5$. I say, Look, there's a big board over there above the bar, it says Tuna Grinder 5$, Roast beef w/ Cheese 5$, Chili Dog 3$, etc. I figured you're the Tuna, she's the Roast beef and that handsome "lady" over there has to be the Chili Dog. Then she starts laughing at me, and she insults me. She asks, "How stupid are you? That's the lunch menu, ya idiot", she says. And I'm like, First of all, stupid? Really? I told you my name is Ben Franklin and I discovered electricity and you said "Ooooh I've always loved electricity!" and asked me if it really was yellow. Secondly, who the fuck is eating anything that was made in here? It smells like you use Mr Clean's piss to wash the floors. And lastly, I'll tell you who the idiot is, it's the guy coming in here ordering the Pulled Pork sandwich and spending 20$ for a lap dance with a woman who looks like her nickname is the "Chili Dog". That guys a fucking moron, this here is just a misunderstanding. Here's 40 bucks, have a nice life, and go buy yourself some Valtrex. She goes, "Thanks Ben, ya big sweetie, come back real soon now, okay?"
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Sluts
Do you remember a time when you thought sluts were a magical gift from god put onto his earth just for your pleasure? I remember way back when before I'd commit to going anywhere I'd want to know the slut situation first. And there was no limit to how far I'd travel in order to improve on that situation. You'd always want to put yourself in the position of being surrounded by as many sluts as possible, better odds that way. I'd ask "Will there be sluts there?" and the answer would be something like "Sluts by the handful bro" and for some reason that was a good thing.
The problem with sluts is if they're not getting fucked, then they're useless. You see, the only asset a slut brings to any social situation is their slutability. So if you have no interest in fucking them, then you have no interest in them at all. All of their stories suck and end the same, with them either on their back, knees or down on all fours. And generally as a breed, they're not an intelligent people, so they can contribute nothing to a conversation.
I listened to a group of them play a game called "Never Have I Ever". The name doesn't even make any fucking sense cuz there isn't anything that they have never, ever done, or won't do. Never have i ever fucked 9 guys in 24 hours. They all drank. Never have i ever gave road head to a midget. They all drank. Never have i ever given a "Famous Amos" to a busboy at Chiles. They still all fucking drank, what does that even mean and how can all of you have done it to Chiles busboys? They're literally boasting to strangers about committing sex acts that no ones ever even heard of, like they're proud to be on the cutting edge of Slut-dom. Here's one for you sluts, Never have i ever read a book, i drink, you don't.
Once you grow up and become part of a committed relationship you are no longer interested in their loose lips or dirty tits, so you don't want them around. I'd make them wrap their vaginal and ass regions in a plastic bag before letting them enter my home. And I'd wear a SARs mask. I don't want any of their fluids leaking out from the little to no underwear they're wearing and getting on any of the furniture. I don't want one of them giving my couch herpes, or worse.
No man meets a slut and thinks about taking her out to a nice dinner and buying her flowers. No man meets a slut and thinks that one day he's going to marry her. No, when a man meets a slut, all he thinks about is what he's going to put into her, where he's going to put it, and how long it will take to accomplish this. Nobody builds long term future plans based around a slut. Women get taken care of, Women get married, Women get loved. Sluts just get fucked.
BTW this rant is inspired by actual people/events, I'm not just trying to be funny or mean. Two sluts took it upon themselves to single-handedly ruin mine, my fiances and all of our friends Memorial Day weekend. And also in the process, may have ruined all future Memorial/Labor Day weekends for us. So here's to you sluts, you know who you are. Unfortunately i don't have any pictures of the sluts in question to post here, but below are pictures of me getting all fat guy in a little fur coat that one of them owned. This happened before they got all crazy slutty and ruined everything.
The problem with sluts is if they're not getting fucked, then they're useless. You see, the only asset a slut brings to any social situation is their slutability. So if you have no interest in fucking them, then you have no interest in them at all. All of their stories suck and end the same, with them either on their back, knees or down on all fours. And generally as a breed, they're not an intelligent people, so they can contribute nothing to a conversation.
I listened to a group of them play a game called "Never Have I Ever". The name doesn't even make any fucking sense cuz there isn't anything that they have never, ever done, or won't do. Never have i ever fucked 9 guys in 24 hours. They all drank. Never have i ever gave road head to a midget. They all drank. Never have i ever given a "Famous Amos" to a busboy at Chiles. They still all fucking drank, what does that even mean and how can all of you have done it to Chiles busboys? They're literally boasting to strangers about committing sex acts that no ones ever even heard of, like they're proud to be on the cutting edge of Slut-dom. Here's one for you sluts, Never have i ever read a book, i drink, you don't.
Once you grow up and become part of a committed relationship you are no longer interested in their loose lips or dirty tits, so you don't want them around. I'd make them wrap their vaginal and ass regions in a plastic bag before letting them enter my home. And I'd wear a SARs mask. I don't want any of their fluids leaking out from the little to no underwear they're wearing and getting on any of the furniture. I don't want one of them giving my couch herpes, or worse.
No man meets a slut and thinks about taking her out to a nice dinner and buying her flowers. No man meets a slut and thinks that one day he's going to marry her. No, when a man meets a slut, all he thinks about is what he's going to put into her, where he's going to put it, and how long it will take to accomplish this. Nobody builds long term future plans based around a slut. Women get taken care of, Women get married, Women get loved. Sluts just get fucked.
BTW this rant is inspired by actual people/events, I'm not just trying to be funny or mean. Two sluts took it upon themselves to single-handedly ruin mine, my fiances and all of our friends Memorial Day weekend. And also in the process, may have ruined all future Memorial/Labor Day weekends for us. So here's to you sluts, you know who you are. Unfortunately i don't have any pictures of the sluts in question to post here, but below are pictures of me getting all fat guy in a little fur coat that one of them owned. This happened before they got all crazy slutty and ruined everything.
Sluts
Do you remember a time when you thought sluts were a magical gift from god put onto his earth just for your pleasure? I remember way back when before I'd commit to going anywhere I'd want to know the slut situation first. And there was no limit to how far I'd travel in order to improve on that situation. You'd always want to put yourself in the position of being surrounded by as many sluts as possible, better odds that way. I'd ask "Will there be sluts there?" and the answer would be something like "Sluts by the handful bro" and for some reason that was a good thing.
The problem with sluts is if they're not getting fucked, then they're useless. You see, the only asset a slut brings to any social situation is their slutability. So if you have no interest in fucking them, then you have no interest in them at all. All of their stories suck and end the same, with them either on their back, knees or down on all fours. And generally as a breed, they're not an intelligent people, so they can contribute nothing to a conversation.
I listened to a group of them play a game called "Never Have I Ever". The name doesn't even make any fucking sense cuz there isn't anything that they have never, ever done, or won't do. Never have i ever fucked 9 guys in 24 hours. They all drank. Never have i ever gave road head to a midget. They all drank. Never have i ever given a "Famous Amos" to a busboy at Chiles. They still all fucking drank, what does that even mean and how can all of you have done it to Chiles busboys? They're literally boasting to strangers about committing sex acts that no ones ever even heard of, like they're proud to be on the cutting edge of Slut-dom. Here's one for you sluts, Never have i ever read a book, i drink, you don't.
Once you grow up and become part of a committed relationship you are no longer interested in their loose lips or dirty tits, so you don't want them around. I'd make them wrap their vaginal and ass regions in a plastic bag before letting them enter my home. And I'd wear a SARs mask. I don't want any of their fluids leaking out from the little to no underwear they're wearing and getting on any of the furniture. I don't want one of them giving my couch herpes, or worse.
No man meets a slut and thinks about taking her out to a nice dinner and buying her flowers. No man meets a slut and thinks that one day he's going to marry her. No, when a man meets a slut, all he thinks about is what he's going to put into her and where he's going to put it, and how long it will take to accomplish this. Nobody builds long term future plans based around a slut. Women get taken care of, Women get married, Women get loved. Sluts just get fucked.
BTW this rant is inspired by actual people/events, I'm not just trying to be funny or mean. Two sluts took it upon themselves to single-handedly ruin mine, my fiances and all of our friends Memorial Day weekend. And also in the process, may have ruined all future Memorial/Labor Day weekends for us. So here's to you sluts, you know who you are. Unfortunately i don't have any pictures of the sluts in question to post here, but below are pictures of me getting all fat guy in a little fur coat that one of them owned. Apparently it's a real fur. This happened before they got all crazy slutty and ruined everything.
The problem with sluts is if they're not getting fucked, then they're useless. You see, the only asset a slut brings to any social situation is their slutability. So if you have no interest in fucking them, then you have no interest in them at all. All of their stories suck and end the same, with them either on their back, knees or down on all fours. And generally as a breed, they're not an intelligent people, so they can contribute nothing to a conversation.
I listened to a group of them play a game called "Never Have I Ever". The name doesn't even make any fucking sense cuz there isn't anything that they have never, ever done, or won't do. Never have i ever fucked 9 guys in 24 hours. They all drank. Never have i ever gave road head to a midget. They all drank. Never have i ever given a "Famous Amos" to a busboy at Chiles. They still all fucking drank, what does that even mean and how can all of you have done it to Chiles busboys? They're literally boasting to strangers about committing sex acts that no ones ever even heard of, like they're proud to be on the cutting edge of Slut-dom. Here's one for you sluts, Never have i ever read a book, i drink, you don't.
Once you grow up and become part of a committed relationship you are no longer interested in their loose lips or dirty tits, so you don't want them around. I'd make them wrap their vaginal and ass regions in a plastic bag before letting them enter my home. And I'd wear a SARs mask. I don't want any of their fluids leaking out from the little to no underwear they're wearing and getting on any of the furniture. I don't want one of them giving my couch herpes, or worse.
No man meets a slut and thinks about taking her out to a nice dinner and buying her flowers. No man meets a slut and thinks that one day he's going to marry her. No, when a man meets a slut, all he thinks about is what he's going to put into her and where he's going to put it, and how long it will take to accomplish this. Nobody builds long term future plans based around a slut. Women get taken care of, Women get married, Women get loved. Sluts just get fucked.
BTW this rant is inspired by actual people/events, I'm not just trying to be funny or mean. Two sluts took it upon themselves to single-handedly ruin mine, my fiances and all of our friends Memorial Day weekend. And also in the process, may have ruined all future Memorial/Labor Day weekends for us. So here's to you sluts, you know who you are. Unfortunately i don't have any pictures of the sluts in question to post here, but below are pictures of me getting all fat guy in a little fur coat that one of them owned. Apparently it's a real fur. This happened before they got all crazy slutty and ruined everything.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
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Saturday, May 22, 2010
The Fucking 1st
Well this isn't what this gay ass fucking blog was/is gonna be about but I've been over-thinking this shit for 2 weeks now looking for something to write about first. And the longer it went the more fucking pussy i got about it cuz it seemed to get harder to think of the right thing. So heres an old fashion non-sensical chemically enhanced/impaired 1am rant.
Did anyone else watch the Yankee-Met game on YES tonite and hear Michael "I'm a complete pompous asshole" Kay actually imply that if David Wright were to hit 200HR this season but bat under.300 ,that it would not only not be the single greatestseason of all time, but that he would in fact be less valuable then he was in a season in which he hit 32HR and batted .330? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the play by play guy in the biggest market in the world for the greatest team in the history of its sport. Thats the last straw, he fucking sucks. Something needs to be done. This aggression will not stand, man.
Do i need to explain to you how many different reasons that this is preposterous? Do i have to point out the total overall rbi he would have if he actually hit 200 homeruns or how many ABs one would actually need to acheive both 200HR AND have a sub .300 AVG? No, of course i dont cuz youre not a fucking moron, you know its all but impossible for that to happen but IF it did it would be the single greatest achievement in all of sports. But Michael Kay IS a moron, and its disgusting. (this really happened, bottom of the 5th, David Wright leading off 1-1 count, in addition to this Kay also invents a new stat as a way to take another dig at him, "walk-off error" he called it. What an asshole)
And while on the topic of disgusting, FUCK itunes. remember way back when? a time when ipod was trying to lure you into its clutches? it promised no more spending 14.99$ on a whole cd when alls you wanted was 1 or 2 songs. NO, on itunes you only pay for the songs that YOU wanted to hear and they only cost .99$ each. well, not anymore. jokes on us now motherfuckers.
We all stopped buying cds and in doing so, did the best we could to make them extinct. But we didnt see the big picture, we got played. let me ask you this: how many of you are on your second or third ipod? and between your first til current, have lost, thrown out, or destroyed either through intentional action or just indifference, all of those base cds that started your playlist. Yeah, you trashed your ipod, lost it whatever, youre computer shit the bed too too, so now youre fucked. Your playlist just went from 8,000 songs on your original cpu and ipod down to only the 457 that you bought via itunes. AND, when you realized that you had spent 457$ on itunes you thought holy shit thats a lot of fucking money on spent downloading music. So you go back onto itunes and go to download some of the music you no longer have. and you notice, every fucking song you want to download now costs a 1.29$ OR even worse, you have to buy the whole fucking cd to get the 1 fucking song you want. now i find myself wishing i could find CDs but its impossible. Theyre like native americans, you know they exist but you can't find them anywhere.
And lastly, yesterday evening i was forced to watch the "real" housewives of new york. and i mean forced in every sense of the word, no way around it. my special lady friend had a rough nite, so she was watching what ever she wanted while i just hung out in bed with her. it was all good, i was reading X-Men comics, so i didnt care what she watched. around 11:40pm ,i thought she was donewatching tv, so i turned out the light so i could get some sleep. but no, it wasnt over. she wanted to watch this show, and i couldnt say no. alls i wanted to do was go to sleep, but it was fucking impossible. the bitches on that show are so ridiculous that its impossible to ignore it. i dare you to try, its FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE. it strikes a cord deep down in the bit of your bowels that makes you need to actively hate it, you just cant let the shit slide. like a lion attacking a gazelle, its instinct. its modern "entertainment" at its worst, i needed to just belittle and yell insults at the tv just so i could keep my sanity and not wake up feeling dirty. if i had a daughter id rather she become a porn star then one of the vapid soul-less talking cunts on that show
last nite they were talking about how hard it must have been for their friend to go on an all expenses paid vacation via yacht to a secluded tropical island. She was staying in an enormous mansion fully stocked with housekeeping and private chefs. words like courage, bravery, honor and respect were thrown around so loosely and casually that i actually had to look them up in the dictionary just to make sure that i understood what they meant.
i have a few Friends in the military, more then a few actually when you factor in the friends ive made through my friends in the military. They talk about doing much more imortant things under much more dangerous, unpleasant and hostile conditions with much less humility and praise. It was like she just single handedly overthrew the taliban on one leg, blind in both eyes while feeding starving babies and curing aids as she killed bin laden via ninja star instead of doing something the average person dreams about and works their whole life without ever experiencing.(BTW right now its 1:25am and i am listening to my FUCKING ipod as i type this and i got this new thing that every time Alabama Song comes on i drink Jameson, just so you know, thats happening now)
And thats all she wrote...
Did anyone else watch the Yankee-Met game on YES tonite and hear Michael "I'm a complete pompous asshole" Kay actually imply that if David Wright were to hit 200HR this season but bat under.300 ,that it would not only not be the single greatestseason of all time, but that he would in fact be less valuable then he was in a season in which he hit 32HR and batted .330? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the play by play guy in the biggest market in the world for the greatest team in the history of its sport. Thats the last straw, he fucking sucks. Something needs to be done. This aggression will not stand, man.
Do i need to explain to you how many different reasons that this is preposterous? Do i have to point out the total overall rbi he would have if he actually hit 200 homeruns or how many ABs one would actually need to acheive both 200HR AND have a sub .300 AVG? No, of course i dont cuz youre not a fucking moron, you know its all but impossible for that to happen but IF it did it would be the single greatest achievement in all of sports. But Michael Kay IS a moron, and its disgusting. (this really happened, bottom of the 5th, David Wright leading off 1-1 count, in addition to this Kay also invents a new stat as a way to take another dig at him, "walk-off error" he called it. What an asshole)
And while on the topic of disgusting, FUCK itunes. remember way back when? a time when ipod was trying to lure you into its clutches? it promised no more spending 14.99$ on a whole cd when alls you wanted was 1 or 2 songs. NO, on itunes you only pay for the songs that YOU wanted to hear and they only cost .99$ each. well, not anymore. jokes on us now motherfuckers.
We all stopped buying cds and in doing so, did the best we could to make them extinct. But we didnt see the big picture, we got played. let me ask you this: how many of you are on your second or third ipod? and between your first til current, have lost, thrown out, or destroyed either through intentional action or just indifference, all of those base cds that started your playlist. Yeah, you trashed your ipod, lost it whatever, youre computer shit the bed too too, so now youre fucked. Your playlist just went from 8,000 songs on your original cpu and ipod down to only the 457 that you bought via itunes. AND, when you realized that you had spent 457$ on itunes you thought holy shit thats a lot of fucking money on spent downloading music. So you go back onto itunes and go to download some of the music you no longer have. and you notice, every fucking song you want to download now costs a 1.29$ OR even worse, you have to buy the whole fucking cd to get the 1 fucking song you want. now i find myself wishing i could find CDs but its impossible. Theyre like native americans, you know they exist but you can't find them anywhere.
And lastly, yesterday evening i was forced to watch the "real" housewives of new york. and i mean forced in every sense of the word, no way around it. my special lady friend had a rough nite, so she was watching what ever she wanted while i just hung out in bed with her. it was all good, i was reading X-Men comics, so i didnt care what she watched. around 11:40pm ,i thought she was donewatching tv, so i turned out the light so i could get some sleep. but no, it wasnt over. she wanted to watch this show, and i couldnt say no. alls i wanted to do was go to sleep, but it was fucking impossible. the bitches on that show are so ridiculous that its impossible to ignore it. i dare you to try, its FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE. it strikes a cord deep down in the bit of your bowels that makes you need to actively hate it, you just cant let the shit slide. like a lion attacking a gazelle, its instinct. its modern "entertainment" at its worst, i needed to just belittle and yell insults at the tv just so i could keep my sanity and not wake up feeling dirty. if i had a daughter id rather she become a porn star then one of the vapid soul-less talking cunts on that show
last nite they were talking about how hard it must have been for their friend to go on an all expenses paid vacation via yacht to a secluded tropical island. She was staying in an enormous mansion fully stocked with housekeeping and private chefs. words like courage, bravery, honor and respect were thrown around so loosely and casually that i actually had to look them up in the dictionary just to make sure that i understood what they meant.
i have a few Friends in the military, more then a few actually when you factor in the friends ive made through my friends in the military. They talk about doing much more imortant things under much more dangerous, unpleasant and hostile conditions with much less humility and praise. It was like she just single handedly overthrew the taliban on one leg, blind in both eyes while feeding starving babies and curing aids as she killed bin laden via ninja star instead of doing something the average person dreams about and works their whole life without ever experiencing.(BTW right now its 1:25am and i am listening to my FUCKING ipod as i type this and i got this new thing that every time Alabama Song comes on i drink Jameson, just so you know, thats happening now)
And thats all she wrote...
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