This might be the funniest thing I've ever seen.

It was the clip of the week on The Soup.

Never did i ever in my wildest, craziest fictious dream scenarios that i think up in my head did i ever imagine a woman getting hit in the face by a watermelon launched from a catapult at point blank range. Listen to what is said right before it happens and then watch how the guy in the court jester outfit makes his way over to her. Its like he's half really concerned about her safety and half trying not to laugh in her potentially horribly disfigured face. Then watch for the immediate reaction of the snotty sister.

The Expendables

I saw The Expendables today and this is what I think. I think if you have a pair of balls and don't like this movie then you must love cock. And if you don't have a pair of balls and you liked this movie then you must love pussy more then i do. It was fucking awesome. When i was in line to buy my ticket there were three dudes ahead of me that were all by themselves and all bought tickets for it. When it was my turn i said "Toy Story" in my toughest sounding voice and the cashier looked at me funny. Then i said "Na just kidding The Expendables" and she started laughing. During the previews there was a trailer for a movie called Devil that looked kinda intriguing at first but when the name M Night Shamashithead flashed on the screen there was an audible groan of disappointment from the audience. My favorite kill in the movie was Ivan Drago stomping a dude to death while he was driving a truck, that was fucking cool. My favorite death was Stone Cold going down in a fiery ball of flames. I'd feel bad saying that Stone Cold's straight right to the jaw of the broad was the funniest part of the movie (I think I was the only one who laughed out loud) so I'll go with Stallone driving a plane and drinking beer, or FUI, instead. Biggest suprise: the black guy didn't die. Overall I'd say "The Expendables" is a must see for anyone who thinks guns, knives, fighting and/or explosions are cool and is bored to shit with CGI and other piece of shit movies like Fast and Furious, Triple x and Bret Ratner.

Thoughts and Observations IV.

Only fat people say things like "I hate the taste of water." Most of my plans for the future involve a time machine and some shenanigans or hare brained scheme. When I go to the movies I have to buy the biggest popcorn they have, not because I plan on eating it all, but because only approx 1 out of every 12 pieces actually makes it into my mouth. My doctor told me to stop drinking so much because I am damaging my liver. I asked him how long I got and he said in a very serious voice "at this rate, mid to late 40's". Relieved i said "Don't scare me like that. That's great news." Surprised he asked why I think that's good and I told him "Because by then they'll be selling livers at Walmart." He does not share my optimism. Do they separate midgets and child molesters in jail? You ever see a mannequin that was so life-like you actually had a naughty thought or two? Yeah, it happened to me today and now I am no longer welcome at the Baby Gap. I decided it was time to lose weight when I noticed that my shadow looked like Grimace with tits. Don't ask me "Whats up" while I'm taking a piss. If you don't already know the answer to that question then how do you do it? You don't make small talk with a man who's holding his dick, that's gay.

Random Pic:

Thoughts and Observations 8/4/10-8/11/10

You can call them eggs if you want to but I call them chicken abortions. Do the rules of "Shallow Water: No Diving" apply to midgets? I saw a guy at work who looked like he was a guest star on the TV show "To Catch A Predator". Jamaica is so fucking awesome you can almost lose a toe and not give a fuck. If you only watch one thing during Shark Week I recommend it be "Air Jaws II: Even Higher". It's bad ass. If you're like me then you spend more time on Netflix rating the movies you've already seen then you do watching the ones you haven't. If you're like me you rage out to Pantera's "This Love" in your head several times a week. I went to an Open House and spoke with an Australian accent the whole time. The Wife didn't find it amusing. "The Other Guys" was hilarious. I know instantly I'm not going to buy something if the commercial for it says that its a product I can't live without. I just don't see how it could possibly meet those expectations. I mean, if I've gone my whole life without a wall mounted automatic toothpaste dispenser then how will buying one now significantly change anything? Maybe if it also made my cock grow 7 inches or if I were to call within the next 20 minutes and they throw in a time machine and/or college degree as a free gift, all for just three monthly payments of $19.99, then we're in business. But so long as it's just the tooth paste dispenser I'll pass. I learned that in 1914 Texas was the first state to make marijuana illegal. Anyone else have a problem with the fact that it was Texas that set the legal precedent on this issue that all the other states and federal government followed? That right there in of itself should be enough to make everyone take a second look at it. Who outside the state of Texas thinks that Texans have any other good ideas about anything? Right now there's some elected public official in Texas trying to make it legal to mount a missile launcher onto his car. And he got elected by promising to lower the age limit for the death penalty to 12 and broaden the scope of its use to get rid of the Gay and Mexican "problems".

Thoughts and Observations II.

When i hear the name Asdrubal i picture someone who looks like Count Dracula's pretentious bisexual second cousin. Beer from long neck bottles is one of life's simple pleasures that the working man enjoys. My wedding was so fucking awesome it gave Chuck Norris a heart attack. And Chuck Norris is so fucking tough that he kicked the heart attacks ass. Squale is the man. So is Nangley. Watching a piece of your brand new couch fly off the back of your truck is pretty fucking awesome but only after you know it doesn't hit anyone. Kellogs sells bags of individually flavored cereals that you mix and match to create your own flavor. I wish i was there when whoever thought of this idea pitched it to someone else just so i can hear them say "Holy shit. That's the greatest fucking thing I've ever heard." I hate Brett Favre. Now is the time for a serious rival to ESPN and Sportscenter to rise up from the ashes. I watched a documentary about obesity on the National Geographic channel that posed the question "Are plus size pageants redefining beauty?" Based on what I saw the answer is definitely no. You know it's all bullshit anyway, the least fattest chick always wins. It's like they are saying that they believe people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, to a point. Explaining their car insurance bill to the elderly is kinda like explaining geometry to Hellen Keller. Yeah it's possible but who really wants to do it? Sure you can invite me to a lesbian bridal shower but there's no fucking way I'm going.

Thoughts and Observations.

It's more embarrassing buying a toilet plunger then it is German "Shizer" porn.
When you say "Ewoks are the original Gungans" to your wife you're really not saying anything at all. There's really no good way to explain a motor-boating that took place to your wife that you were a part of and she wasn't. Not even if it occurred before you were married. Especially not if it was at the bachelor party. But if have to, then i recommend taking as long as possible to do it and end with "It wasn't so much as me and my face motor-boating her boobs as it was her boobs motor-boating my face." and hopefully she won't want to hear anymore. Why are there no lower case numbers? How come in Episode I Darth Maul has the bad ass sleek little Sith probe droid and in Episode V the Empire has these noisy, obvious, clunky pieces of shit? I don't buy it. I vow to never again watch even a minute of Episodes II or III and reserve the right to skip any parts that suck in I. Life's too short for that shit. The Dude abides.

Random Pic

Portable Printer and Myspace

I have a portable printer in my home. It's a lot like the one you've got in your home, except for 3 things. 1., it's probably a little older, 2., my wife carries it all around the house with her, (that's why it's portable), and 3., it's always pissing me off. I trip over its cord which gets stretched out across the living room, at knee height, at least three times a week. I go to sit down on my spot on the couch but it's there, sometimes hiding under a cushion. It even makes it's way into the bed between us. At midnight she's still up pecking away on her lap top with papers spread out all over the place and I'm curled up in a little tiny ball in the corner of the bed like its a shower scene in a rape movie, crying because I can't sleep while listening to that wretched (mimic printer noise in your head) sound that haunts my dreams, screeching over and over, line by line. The same sound also coincidentally also wakes me up at the ass crack of dawn each day. Cackling like some maniacal mechanical rooster whose goals in life, in order of importance, are to make sure that i start off each and every day pissed off from the second I wake up, to keep me from ever getting more then 4 hours of sleep in a row in my own bed, and to print papers.

And that's not even the worst of it. No, what really annoys me, my biggest fear, is the fact that i know that one day very soon the maddening whooshing/screeching sound will stop...That it will cease to exist because the device that made it will have died of natural causes, as devices tend to do around it's age. Especially ones that get constantly relocated haphazardly around the house, from room to room, back and forth, up and down the stairs that also double as a foot rest/tray table/cuddle-bud. And that I will never hear the end of it, I promise you, for as long as I live. Even if it's ultimate demise had nothing to do with me, it will still somehow still be my fault when it goes. Like it was my fault the dog decided to randomly jump on the coffee table and spilled my beer all over the place, including the printer. Claiming it hasn't worked right since that day and that has to be the reason why it suddenly stopped working 42 days later and the 336 hours in a row of non-stop use doesn't have anything to do with it. It could be something like, like who knows what, she'll think of something, she'll make it up if she has to, it doesn't matter whether or not it actually happened. Just the thought that it could have happened is enough to make me the scapegoat. She could drop it down the stairs and claim it was my fault she dropped it b/c she was mad at me for not taking out the garbage. Or because she thinks she caught me jerking off to pictures of her hot friends online again. What can I say to that? Do I defend myself knowing it will only lead to a bigger argument, or do I just acknowledge that it is somehow my fault and just move on, knowing that either way i will will be blamed for it in the end?

And by the way, speaking of online, hasn't social networking made jerking it to pictures of your wife's/girlfriend's hot friends so much easier? Especially the ones that are on Myspace. Facebook is good too, but there's nobody named Mom-Mom on your Myspace friendlist. No, Mom-Mom didn't catch on until Facebook blew up. There's no wall posts from Uncle Mickey on Myspace saying that he "would appreciate it if you cooled it with the language because he doesn't think his church group will approve." Your Mom's status isn't "Disappointed" w/ a stupid little yellow sad face on Myspace because yours is "Drunk on a Tuesday cuz the Knicks suck", because neither of them is on Myspace, only Facebook. So Myspace gets all the better pictures and information and shit. My interests on Myspace are blow jobs, suck jobs and mouth jobs. On Facebook it's my wife, comics and Xbox.

I'll tell you somebody else who isn't on Myspace either, most of her married friend's husbands. Yea, so in all their pics on Myspace they're at least 5 years younger, dressed twice and slutty and it's before they had a kid, so it makes all of them 10x hotter and more strokable.