Miami Dolphins Rant

Well the Dolphins have firmly established themselves as leaders in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes by turning in another choke job this week. Here i will address all of the players on the Miami roster who are responsible for their position as thee worst team in the NFL.

Yeremiah Bell: Unfortunately your best days are behind you and your position as a run stopping specialist from the safety position is becoming obselete in todays NFL of spread offenses and tight ends who run 4.4 40's. Good career hampered by injuries, but you are no longer to be considered an "impact" player and are a liability in the passing game more often then not.

Reshad Jones: Can anybody name me one reason why this guy belongs as a starter in the NFL? Me neither.

Sean Smith: Either this guy is perpetually 2 days away from "that time of month" or else he's got a massive booze problem. No? Then please explain to me why else he cramps up so much?

Vontae Davis: His mouth is much bigger then his game. Every now and then shows flashes of talent that make you think he's going to take his game to the next level and then he does jack shit for the next 30-60 minutes.

Karlos Dansby: Can anyone remember one play he's made all year?

Kevin Burnett: Just another highly touted scrub we brought in that was supposed to be some big diamond in the rough find but is just a polished up turd.

Jason Taylor: After 15 years in the NFL he is not the player he use to be, and there's no shame in that. He does not have the impact on the game that he once had but it's not for lack of heart. I hope he retires tomorrow, there is no reason for him to be part of the "suck for Luck" sweepstakes, a class act and true warrior and pro to the very end.

Cameron Wake: First, I'm not sure if we're using him correctly. Why, on a critical 3rd and 10 late in the game is he covering Santonio Holmes ( who inevitably burns him for a TD) and not rushing the passer? I noticed the same thing against the Chargers, our best pass rusher is dropping back in coverage on critical passing downs, it makes no sense. That being said, Wake is not the player he was last year or the year before. In year four or five or whatever of the Cameron Wake project he has actually regressed. His game, when he's at his best and virtually unstoppable off the edge, is about speed and leverage, tonight it looked like he was playing patty-cake with the mediocre Jets tackle Wayne Hunter all night, who in turn had no problem handling the attempted bull rushes of a player at least 50lbs lighter then he was.

Paul Solia: Outstanding on some plays, pushed around and less then mediocre on others, basically the story of his career.

Koa Misi: Our "run stopping" OLB who is terrible against the run.

Randy Starks: A fish out of water, we have no idea what to do with him and it seems like he's just cashing checks now.

Kendell Langford: An ok player who seems to retain a starting job by not screwing up about as much as he doesn't make plays.

Jared Odrick: I have nothing at all to say about him and thats not necessarily a good thing. I cant remember him being a part of this team at all.

Brian Hartline: What is it exactly you do on this team?

Devon Bess: If this stat was tracked i bet he would lead the NFL in 3rd down receptions that DID NOT result in a 1st down.

Brandon Marshall: YOU SUCK, CATCH THE FUCKING BALL. Can anyone explain why he just ran out of bounds tonight?

Reggie Bush: 1st quarter wonder. Is it that you have no stamina or the 'Fins have no idea how to properly use you? I still don't know. Why don't you return punts full time, whose call is that? Why don't they let you do what it is you do best in the NFL is a mystery to me.

Daniel Thomas: Good motor, you run hard but its only 5 games into your NFL career and you've already missed 40% of them, thats not encouraging. Plus ball security seems to be an issue.

Anthony Fasano: Well, your sample size this year seems to be positive. It appears the case of the "dropsies" that haunted you last season are gone. Unfortunately the front office isn't doing you any favors. I truely believe that if the 'Fins did what the should have done and acquired an elite pass catching TE like Zach Miller, Greg Olsen or Jeremy Shockey like they should have this past offseason and/or drafted Rob Gronkowski, Aaron Hernandez or Jimmy Graham last year , then you're combination of run blocking and pass catching skills would make you the best TE2 in the NFL. But because they didnt do any of that you are just mediocre at best and i am sorry about that.

Lex Hilliard: I have nothing negative to say about you. Every time i see you on the field it looks like you are playing hard, giving it your all and doing everything you can to stay on an NFL roster, I wish the rest of the Miami team played with half the passion you do.

Jake Long/Richie Incognito/Maukrice Pouncey/Vernon Carey/Marc Columbo aka the entire offensive line: Every one of your strengths is supposed to be run blocking yet Miami sucks at running the ball. 'Nuff said.

Matt Moore: You play like a backup quarterback and thats what you are.

Tony Sparano: You still look completely lost and overwhelmed as an NFL head coach and would have been fired already if not for the lockout. If he isn't the worst coach in the NFL then who is?

The Sick Twisted Crazy Fuck of the Week

I just wanted to rant about that sick evil fucking twisted fuck out in Norway. I hope when you're found guilty of being an absolute piece of scum so lowly and inhuman that we are no longer bound by laws of basic human decency that which you have already eschewed yourself and your sentence consists solely of manual labor, torture and butt-rape right up until you're put to death by alligator you miserable piece of shit. I hope the families and friends of your victims are all given a chance to urinate or defecate upon whatever of your remains are left and it's all broadcast live on per per view. I'll beleive in whatever religion you want me to if that guarantees me this piece of human excrement is tortured for eternity in the depths of some pit of hell.

Douche Bag of the Week

Congratulations Jerry Meals, your are this weeks winner, and only 2nd ever recipient of the Douche Bag of the Week award. Basically to sum up his accomplishment in short he butt fucked the lovable underdog of 2011 lowly Pittsburgh Pirates out of a potential epic, seasoning defining win by making one of the most horrocious safe calls at home I've ever fucking seen. Doesn't this cunt know I've got family in Pittsburgh and it's fucked up to do that to them? This is a really good article about it and how not having replay in baseball really is ridiculous. I mean really, I've already accepted the fact that a baseball game is gonna be 3 fucking hours long, you might as well make three hours and ten minutes and get the calls right so i don't feel like i just got a Louisville slugger up the ass after investing 6+ hours watching 19 innings of baseball only to see my team lose on a blown call that I coulda made from my couch at 2am. Fuck that.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-passan_pirates_braves_blown_call_replay_072711

Also here's a good video, be sure to watch it all the way through

http://youtu.be/F2ZxC0qVHio

Douche Bag of the Week

Here is something new that I would like to try, The Douche Bag of the Week award. This weeks award goes to Kelly Morningstar, the chief of police in Midway, GA who demanded that 3 teenage girls, ages 10-14, shut down their lemonade stand because, and I quote,"We were not aware of how the lemonade was made, who made the lemonade, of what the lemonade was made with, so we acted accordingly by city ordinance." The article also mentions that city law requires a $50 a day permit to operate. What type of gestapo police state has this country become where cops, and not just any cops, but the chief of the whole department, are being used against pre-teen girls to crack down on their illegal lemonade stands? Whats next, make farting illegal? The three girls were just trying to raise enough money so they could go to a water park and escape this oppressive heat wave that seems to be engulfing the entire nation(seriously it's like we only have two climates nowadays, Hoth and Mustafar). It sounds like this guy needs to keep his eyes on the target and be reminded of who the friendlies are. And plus doesn't the name Kelly Morningstar sound like a a porn star who does all anal gang-bang scenes?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43769978/ns/us_news-weird_news/

And really, you don't know what the lemonade was made with? I wasn't even there, and I'm not even a cop, but I'm pretty sure that the main ingredients in lemonade are lemons, water and sugar. I mean, sure, you can fortify your Crystal Light with some crystal meth to give it a little extra kick if you want to, or maybe add some crack for flavor, but I'm pretty sure that would not be cost effective and thus counter-productive to these girl stated goals. Plus they're only little girls, where would they even get Meth and Crack? Are you trying to say that the town you are the chief of police in is so unsafe that you can't even trust the lemonade sold by 10 and 14 year old girls made because they potentially may have spiked it with the hard street drugs that they have no problem getting? And in order to be keep everyone safe, you need to personally shut down any and all lemonade stands? Is that really what you're trying to say? Because that's what i hear when i hear shit like this, that you're town is so unsafe and it's police department so inept, that you can't even trust the lemonade sold by 10 year old girls. Think about it, at worst, that statement is only half wrong and what does that say about your job performance as the chief of police?

I wonder if this cop is the commando douche bag sort who takes his job/life way too seriously and had a full on sting operation to crack down on the illegal lemonade stand-circuit-ring and has had undercovers making buys for days leading up to the bust and he probably tapped their phones too. On the day of the take down he went in alone but had snipers on the rooves and the SWAT team on standby. The article doesn't explicitly say that the chief fondled the girls as he stole their money but then again it doesn't not say it either, so there you have it, 'nuff said.

So here's to you officer Kelly "All-Anal" Morningstar, may your penis be severed in a freak tragic weed-whacking accident and go fuck yourself ya douche bag, you've earned it.

Thoughts and Observations

Mall pet stores are a great place to meet 12 yr old girls. Fat guys on motorcycles should always wear at least a t-shirt, especially if they're just some pussy on a crotch rocket. How come the DVD's that are about butt-fucking are so much louder then the ones that aren't? Abby Wambach gives great head. Twizzlers may "Make mouth happy" but they also make asshole angry, especially when they're sold by the pound. If you're really gonna name your restaurant "Burger Heaven" then you better at least be open well past nine. I've got the "Irish Curse" which means I don't get drunk, I just get more awesome. If you're over the age of 30 and your only means of transportation is a razor scooter or a BMX bicycle then you should kill yourself. Top 3 spam email subjects: 3, Drunken chicks stumble into the barn and get fucked. 2, Fat animal cum slut. (is it a regular chick fucking fat animals or vice versa? I don't know) 1, Watch the JV cheerleading squad take on the varsity football team. The funniest thing I've ever heard one woman yell at another in a fit of rage was, verbatim, "I will suck his dick all the time AND HE WILL LOVE IT!!!" How come Catholic schools seem to have rules about anything and everything except about not raping the kids? (Seriously, i went to catholic school and we weren't even allowed to get a drink of water from the water fountain while we were walking past it, and making out and heavy petting will get you to hell but an 8 yr old giving a priest a full service naked rub down is okay?) I was watching a prison documentary on the Discovery Channel that showed a woman behind bars who makes greeting cards out of tampons. I'd really hate to be her Valentine. The 50's were awesome because there were no such thing as date-rape, only prudes and misunderstandings.

Pic:

Fuckin' Dunkin' Donuts Man

God damn they suck so fucking bad. I fucking hate them and want to destroy them Incredible Hulk style with my bare monstrous green hands those fuckshits. Every fucking time they screw up your order I don't know why i kept going back to them. I'm fucking done i cant stand it anymore i hope they all die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. I actually went to their websites "contact us" section and sent them this. This is only the second time in my life that i've been so annoyed with how terrible something is that i actually went to their website and made a complaint. Coincidentally it was also D&D so fuck those baby raping fuckshits. Below is what i sent them. On a side note, you know how you know that your blog sucks? It not even saved as a favorite on your wife's computer.

"This store is so terrible that not only will I never frequent another D&D again but also I feel i have to write this b/c you need to be aware of how awful it is. I order the same thing every time, Sausage & cheese on an everything bagel w/an iced french vanilla coffee w/ milk sugar and a turbo shot. 4 out of the last 5 times I went to this store there was a problem with it. 1st, I got egg and cheese no sausage (despite the fact that i was asked no less than 3 times what I ordered b/c he "forgot"), 2nd, what appeared to be strawberry cream cheese on a bagel, 3rd I sat in the drive thru waiting for 5 mins as i watched 3 employees flirting with eachother b4 one of them realized they forgot to give me my coffee. Today, no turbo shot even though i was charged for it. I don't know what type of standard you hold your employees too but its not very high b/c every time it's someone different screwing up so the fault lies not with them but whoever hires, trains, supervises them etc. In short, you suck."

That was sent to them today from a Jeffrey Lebowski who resides at 69 Effyurmudda Way.

Oh yea and PS, of course D&D does not actually rape babies...not to the best of my knowledge at least. Random pic:

You know what i hate?

When some bullshit ginormous conglomerate company can't come up with their own original idea so they use someone else's awesome but obscure music to make it's otherwise mediocre at best commercial seem much cooler then it really is because people only consider it cool in the first place because of it's awesome music. Which in turn the bullshit motherfuckin' company tries to pawn off as it's own because they never pay homage to the original artist themselves during said commercial. Two major offenders i can think of right off the top of my head without even trying to are Viagra's use of Howlin' Wolf's "Smokestack Lightning" and Jeep's Johnny Cash's "God's Gonna Cut You Down". Fuck them, those commercials suck balls and the only descent things about them is the music. Both companies should have more then enough money to produce completely original commercials that don't suck without having to leech off someone else's original art to do so, that's horseshit.