Miss Plus USA

Recently i watched a documentary about the Miss Plus USA Pageant on the NatGeo channel. Their slogan was "They can do anything a skinny girl can PLUS." Yeah anything but fit into their (the skinny girls) clothes. Which is exactly why their pageant can only be found on the National Geographic Channel.

They further explained that another difference (although they acted like it was the biggest difference. but who are they kidding?) between the regular Miss USA and Miss Plus was that in the Plus pageant 50% of the contestants scores came from a double elimination pie eating contest. Na just kidding, (but wouldn't that be awesome?) they came from a thorough question and answer interview segment. My first thought was "god i hope that replaced the swimsuit portion" and my second was to wonder if the subject of world hunger or childhood obesiety ever came up in one of those interviews and if so was it just another elephant in the room?"

It also posed the question "Are plus size pageants reshaping the way we define beauty?" and i can tell you with absolute certainty after watch all 60 minutes of the documentary the answer is definitely: No fucking way. Come on, you know It's all bullshit anyway, the least fattest chick always wins. It's like even they are saying that they beleive people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful..To a point.

Not so random pics:

But then again there is this.

Which i also only saw because of The Soup.

Oh shit is right.

This might be the funniest thing I've ever seen.

It was the clip of the week on The Soup.

Never did i ever in my wildest, craziest fictious dream scenarios that i think up in my head did i ever imagine a woman getting hit in the face by a watermelon launched from a catapult at point blank range. Listen to what is said right before it happens and then watch how the guy in the court jester outfit makes his way over to her. Its like he's half really concerned about her safety and half trying not to laugh in her potentially horribly disfigured face. Then watch for the immediate reaction of the snotty sister.

The Expendables

I saw The Expendables today and this is what I think. I think if you have a pair of balls and don't like this movie then you must love cock. And if you don't have a pair of balls and you liked this movie then you must love pussy more then i do. It was fucking awesome. When i was in line to buy my ticket there were three dudes ahead of me that were all by themselves and all bought tickets for it. When it was my turn i said "Toy Story" in my toughest sounding voice and the cashier looked at me funny. Then i said "Na just kidding The Expendables" and she started laughing. During the previews there was a trailer for a movie called Devil that looked kinda intriguing at first but when the name M Night Shamashithead flashed on the screen there was an audible groan of disappointment from the audience. My favorite kill in the movie was Ivan Drago stomping a dude to death while he was driving a truck, that was fucking cool. My favorite death was Stone Cold going down in a fiery ball of flames. I'd feel bad saying that Stone Cold's straight right to the jaw of the broad was the funniest part of the movie (I think I was the only one who laughed out loud) so I'll go with Stallone driving a plane and drinking beer, or FUI, instead. Biggest suprise: the black guy didn't die. Overall I'd say "The Expendables" is a must see for anyone who thinks guns, knives, fighting and/or explosions are cool and is bored to shit with CGI and other piece of shit movies like Fast and Furious, Triple x and Bret Ratner.

Thoughts and Observations IV.

Only fat people say things like "I hate the taste of water." Most of my plans for the future involve a time machine and some shenanigans or hare brained scheme. When I go to the movies I have to buy the biggest popcorn they have, not because I plan on eating it all, but because only approx 1 out of every 12 pieces actually makes it into my mouth. My doctor told me to stop drinking so much because I am damaging my liver. I asked him how long I got and he said in a very serious voice "at this rate, mid to late 40's". Relieved i said "Don't scare me like that. That's great news." Surprised he asked why I think that's good and I told him "Because by then they'll be selling livers at Walmart." He does not share my optimism. Do they separate midgets and child molesters in jail? You ever see a mannequin that was so life-like you actually had a naughty thought or two? Yeah, it happened to me today and now I am no longer welcome at the Baby Gap. I decided it was time to lose weight when I noticed that my shadow looked like Grimace with tits. Don't ask me "Whats up" while I'm taking a piss. If you don't already know the answer to that question then how do you do it? You don't make small talk with a man who's holding his dick, that's gay.

Random Pic:

Thoughts and Observations 8/4/10-8/11/10

You can call them eggs if you want to but I call them chicken abortions. Do the rules of "Shallow Water: No Diving" apply to midgets? I saw a guy at work who looked like he was a guest star on the TV show "To Catch A Predator". Jamaica is so fucking awesome you can almost lose a toe and not give a fuck. If you only watch one thing during Shark Week I recommend it be "Air Jaws II: Even Higher". It's bad ass. If you're like me then you spend more time on Netflix rating the movies you've already seen then you do watching the ones you haven't. If you're like me you rage out to Pantera's "This Love" in your head several times a week. I went to an Open House and spoke with an Australian accent the whole time. The Wife didn't find it amusing. "The Other Guys" was hilarious. I know instantly I'm not going to buy something if the commercial for it says that its a product I can't live without. I just don't see how it could possibly meet those expectations. I mean, if I've gone my whole life without a wall mounted automatic toothpaste dispenser then how will buying one now significantly change anything? Maybe if it also made my cock grow 7 inches or if I were to call within the next 20 minutes and they throw in a time machine and/or college degree as a free gift, all for just three monthly payments of $19.99, then we're in business. But so long as it's just the tooth paste dispenser I'll pass. I learned that in 1914 Texas was the first state to make marijuana illegal. Anyone else have a problem with the fact that it was Texas that set the legal precedent on this issue that all the other states and federal government followed? That right there in of itself should be enough to make everyone take a second look at it. Who outside the state of Texas thinks that Texans have any other good ideas about anything? Right now there's some elected public official in Texas trying to make it legal to mount a missile launcher onto his car. And he got elected by promising to lower the age limit for the death penalty to 12 and broaden the scope of its use to get rid of the Gay and Mexican "problems".

Thoughts and Observations II.

When i hear the name Asdrubal i picture someone who looks like Count Dracula's pretentious bisexual second cousin. Beer from long neck bottles is one of life's simple pleasures that the working man enjoys. My wedding was so fucking awesome it gave Chuck Norris a heart attack. And Chuck Norris is so fucking tough that he kicked the heart attacks ass. Squale is the man. So is Nangley. Watching a piece of your brand new couch fly off the back of your truck is pretty fucking awesome but only after you know it doesn't hit anyone. Kellogs sells bags of individually flavored cereals that you mix and match to create your own flavor. I wish i was there when whoever thought of this idea pitched it to someone else just so i can hear them say "Holy shit. That's the greatest fucking thing I've ever heard." I hate Brett Favre. Now is the time for a serious rival to ESPN and Sportscenter to rise up from the ashes. I watched a documentary about obesity on the National Geographic channel that posed the question "Are plus size pageants redefining beauty?" Based on what I saw the answer is definitely no. You know it's all bullshit anyway, the least fattest chick always wins. It's like they are saying that they believe people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, to a point. Explaining their car insurance bill to the elderly is kinda like explaining geometry to Hellen Keller. Yeah it's possible but who really wants to do it? Sure you can invite me to a lesbian bridal shower but there's no fucking way I'm going.

Thoughts and Observations.

It's more embarrassing buying a toilet plunger then it is German "Shizer" porn.
When you say "Ewoks are the original Gungans" to your wife you're really not saying anything at all. There's really no good way to explain a motor-boating that took place to your wife that you were a part of and she wasn't. Not even if it occurred before you were married. Especially not if it was at the bachelor party. But if have to, then i recommend taking as long as possible to do it and end with "It wasn't so much as me and my face motor-boating her boobs as it was her boobs motor-boating my face." and hopefully she won't want to hear anymore. Why are there no lower case numbers? How come in Episode I Darth Maul has the bad ass sleek little Sith probe droid and in Episode V the Empire has these noisy, obvious, clunky pieces of shit? I don't buy it. I vow to never again watch even a minute of Episodes II or III and reserve the right to skip any parts that suck in I. Life's too short for that shit. The Dude abides.

Random Pic

Portable Printer and Myspace

I have a portable printer in my home. It's a lot like the one you've got in your home, except for 3 things. 1., it's probably a little older, 2., my wife carries it all around the house with her, (that's why it's portable), and 3., it's always pissing me off. I trip over its cord which gets stretched out across the living room, at knee height, at least three times a week. I go to sit down on my spot on the couch but it's there, sometimes hiding under a cushion. It even makes it's way into the bed between us. At midnight she's still up pecking away on her lap top with papers spread out all over the place and I'm curled up in a little tiny ball in the corner of the bed like its a shower scene in a rape movie, crying because I can't sleep while listening to that wretched (mimic printer noise in your head) sound that haunts my dreams, screeching over and over, line by line. The same sound also coincidentally also wakes me up at the ass crack of dawn each day. Cackling like some maniacal mechanical rooster whose goals in life, in order of importance, are to make sure that i start off each and every day pissed off from the second I wake up, to keep me from ever getting more then 4 hours of sleep in a row in my own bed, and to print papers.

And that's not even the worst of it. No, what really annoys me, my biggest fear, is the fact that i know that one day very soon the maddening whooshing/screeching sound will stop...That it will cease to exist because the device that made it will have died of natural causes, as devices tend to do around it's age. Especially ones that get constantly relocated haphazardly around the house, from room to room, back and forth, up and down the stairs that also double as a foot rest/tray table/cuddle-bud. And that I will never hear the end of it, I promise you, for as long as I live. Even if it's ultimate demise had nothing to do with me, it will still somehow still be my fault when it goes. Like it was my fault the dog decided to randomly jump on the coffee table and spilled my beer all over the place, including the printer. Claiming it hasn't worked right since that day and that has to be the reason why it suddenly stopped working 42 days later and the 336 hours in a row of non-stop use doesn't have anything to do with it. It could be something like, like who knows what, she'll think of something, she'll make it up if she has to, it doesn't matter whether or not it actually happened. Just the thought that it could have happened is enough to make me the scapegoat. She could drop it down the stairs and claim it was my fault she dropped it b/c she was mad at me for not taking out the garbage. Or because she thinks she caught me jerking off to pictures of her hot friends online again. What can I say to that? Do I defend myself knowing it will only lead to a bigger argument, or do I just acknowledge that it is somehow my fault and just move on, knowing that either way i will will be blamed for it in the end?

And by the way, speaking of online, hasn't social networking made jerking it to pictures of your wife's/girlfriend's hot friends so much easier? Especially the ones that are on Myspace. Facebook is good too, but there's nobody named Mom-Mom on your Myspace friendlist. No, Mom-Mom didn't catch on until Facebook blew up. There's no wall posts from Uncle Mickey on Myspace saying that he "would appreciate it if you cooled it with the language because he doesn't think his church group will approve." Your Mom's status isn't "Disappointed" w/ a stupid little yellow sad face on Myspace because yours is "Drunk on a Tuesday cuz the Knicks suck", because neither of them is on Myspace, only Facebook. So Myspace gets all the better pictures and information and shit. My interests on Myspace are blow jobs, suck jobs and mouth jobs. On Facebook it's my wife, comics and Xbox.

I'll tell you somebody else who isn't on Myspace either, most of her married friend's husbands. Yea, so in all their pics on Myspace they're at least 5 years younger, dressed twice and slutty and it's before they had a kid, so it makes all of them 10x hotter and more strokable.

Click of the Week

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A Tale Of Two Titties

So the other day I'm at this titty bar, and it's not just any titty bar, but the kind that opens two hours earlier and closes two hours later then any of the others. What that also means is that its twice as dirty and the girls are twice as nasty then at any other as well. So I finish my 4th lap dance with the least fugliest dancer and she tells me i owe her 80 bucks. And I'm like, Bullshit I only owe you 20. She goes, No, it's 20$ per dance, you got four so it's 80 total. I say, I know how many dances I got, but they only cost at most 5$ per dance, not 20$, that's just ridiculous. She's gets all annoyed at me and asks why I think they only cost 5$. I say, Look, there's a big board over there above the bar, it says Tuna Grinder 5$, Roast beef w/ Cheese 5$, Chili Dog 3$, etc. I figured you're the Tuna, she's the Roast beef and that handsome "lady" over there has to be the Chili Dog. Then she starts laughing at me, and she insults me. She asks, "How stupid are you? That's the lunch menu, ya idiot", she says. And I'm like, First of all, stupid? Really? I told you my name is Ben Franklin and I discovered electricity and you said "Ooooh I've always loved electricity!" and asked me if it really was yellow. Secondly, who the fuck is eating anything that was made in here? It smells like you use Mr Clean's piss to wash the floors. And lastly, I'll tell you who the idiot is, it's the guy coming in here ordering the Pulled Pork sandwich and spending 20$ for a lap dance with a woman who looks like her nickname is the "Chili Dog". That guys a fucking moron, this here is just a misunderstanding. Here's 40 bucks, have a nice life, and go buy yourself some Valtrex. She goes, "Thanks Ben, ya big sweetie, come back real soon now, okay?"

Sluts

Do you remember a time when you thought sluts were a magical gift from god put onto his earth just for your pleasure? I remember way back when before I'd commit to going anywhere I'd want to know the slut situation first. And there was no limit to how far I'd travel in order to improve on that situation. You'd always want to put yourself in the position of being surrounded by as many sluts as possible, better odds that way. I'd ask "Will there be sluts there?" and the answer would be something like "Sluts by the handful bro" and for some reason that was a good thing.

The problem with sluts is if they're not getting fucked, then they're useless. You see, the only asset a slut brings to any social situation is their slutability. So if you have no interest in fucking them, then you have no interest in them at all. All of their stories suck and end the same, with them either on their back, knees or down on all fours. And generally as a breed, they're not an intelligent people, so they can contribute nothing to a conversation.

I listened to a group of them play a game called "Never Have I Ever". The name doesn't even make any fucking sense cuz there isn't anything that they have never, ever done, or won't do. Never have i ever fucked 9 guys in 24 hours. They all drank. Never have i ever gave road head to a midget. They all drank. Never have i ever given a "Famous Amos" to a busboy at Chiles. They still all fucking drank, what does that even mean and how can all of you have done it to Chiles busboys? They're literally boasting to strangers about committing sex acts that no ones ever even heard of, like they're proud to be on the cutting edge of Slut-dom. Here's one for you sluts, Never have i ever read a book, i drink, you don't.

Once you grow up and become part of a committed relationship you are no longer interested in their loose lips or dirty tits, so you don't want them around. I'd make them wrap their vaginal and ass regions in a plastic bag before letting them enter my home. And I'd wear a SARs mask. I don't want any of their fluids leaking out from the little to no underwear they're wearing and getting on any of the furniture. I don't want one of them giving my couch herpes, or worse.

No man meets a slut and thinks about taking her out to a nice dinner and buying her flowers. No man meets a slut and thinks that one day he's going to marry her. No, when a man meets a slut, all he thinks about is what he's going to put into her, where he's going to put it, and how long it will take to accomplish this. Nobody builds long term future plans based around a slut. Women get taken care of, Women get married, Women get loved. Sluts just get fucked.

BTW this rant is inspired by actual people/events, I'm not just trying to be funny or mean. Two sluts took it upon themselves to single-handedly ruin mine, my fiances and all of our friends Memorial Day weekend. And also in the process, may have ruined all future Memorial/Labor Day weekends for us. So here's to you sluts, you know who you are. Unfortunately i don't have any pictures of the sluts in question to post here, but below are pictures of me getting all fat guy in a little fur coat that one of them owned. This happened before they got all crazy slutty and ruined everything.

Sluts

Do you remember a time when you thought sluts were a magical gift from god put onto his earth just for your pleasure? I remember way back when before I'd commit to going anywhere I'd want to know the slut situation first. And there was no limit to how far I'd travel in order to improve on that situation. You'd always want to put yourself in the position of being surrounded by as many sluts as possible, better odds that way. I'd ask "Will there be sluts there?" and the answer would be something like "Sluts by the handful bro" and for some reason that was a good thing.


The problem with sluts is if they're not getting fucked, then they're useless. You see, the only asset a slut brings to any social situation is their slutability. So if you have no interest in fucking them, then you have no interest in them at all. All of their stories suck and end the same, with them either on their back, knees or down on all fours. And generally as a breed, they're not an intelligent people, so they can contribute nothing to a conversation.


I listened to a group of them play a game called "Never Have I Ever". The name doesn't even make any fucking sense cuz there isn't anything that they have never, ever done, or won't do. Never have i ever fucked 9 guys in 24 hours. They all drank. Never have i ever gave road head to a midget. They all drank. Never have i ever given a "Famous Amos" to a busboy at Chiles. They still all fucking drank, what does that even mean and how can all of you have done it to Chiles busboys? They're literally boasting to strangers about committing sex acts that no ones ever even heard of, like they're proud to be on the cutting edge of Slut-dom. Here's one for you sluts, Never have i ever read a book, i drink, you don't.


Once you grow up and become part of a committed relationship you are no longer interested in their loose lips or dirty tits, so you don't want them around. I'd make them wrap their vaginal and ass regions in a plastic bag before letting them enter my home. And I'd wear a SARs mask. I don't want any of their fluids leaking out from the little to no underwear they're wearing and getting on any of the furniture. I don't want one of them giving my couch herpes, or worse.

No man meets a slut and thinks about taking her out to a nice dinner and buying her flowers. No man meets a slut and thinks that one day he's going to marry her. No, when a man meets a slut, all he thinks about is what he's going to put into her and where he's going to put it, and how long it will take to accomplish this. Nobody builds long term future plans based around a slut. Women get taken care of, Women get married, Women get loved. Sluts just get fucked.


BTW this rant is inspired by actual people/events, I'm not just trying to be funny or mean. Two sluts took it upon themselves to single-handedly ruin mine, my fiances and all of our friends Memorial Day weekend. And also in the process, may have ruined all future Memorial/Labor Day weekends for us. So here's to you sluts, you know who you are. Unfortunately i don't have any pictures of the sluts in question to post here, but below are pictures of me getting all fat guy in a little fur coat that one of them owned. Apparently it's a real fur. This happened before they got all crazy slutty and ruined everything.

Warning redtube is for adults only

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The Fucking 1st

Well this isn't what this gay ass fucking blog was/is gonna be about but I've been over-thinking this shit for 2 weeks now looking for something to write about first. And the longer it went the more fucking pussy i got about it cuz it seemed to get harder to think of the right thing. So heres an old fashion non-sensical chemically enhanced/impaired 1am rant.

Did anyone else watch the Yankee-Met game on YES tonite and hear Michael "I'm a complete pompous asshole" Kay actually imply that if David Wright were to hit 200HR this season but bat under.300 ,that it would not only not be the single greatestseason of all time, but that he would in fact be less valuable then he was in a season in which he hit 32HR and batted .330? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the play by play guy in the biggest market in the world for the greatest team in the history of its sport. Thats the last straw, he fucking sucks. Something needs to be done. This aggression will not stand, man.

Do i need to explain to you how many different reasons that this is preposterous? Do i have to point out the total overall rbi he would have if he actually hit 200 homeruns or how many ABs one would actually need to acheive both 200HR AND have a sub .300 AVG? No, of course i dont cuz youre not a fucking moron, you know its all but impossible for that to happen but IF it did it would be the single greatest achievement in all of sports. But Michael Kay IS a moron, and its disgusting. (this really happened, bottom of the 5th, David Wright leading off 1-1 count, in addition to this Kay also invents a new stat as a way to take another dig at him, "walk-off error" he called it. What an asshole)

And while on the topic of disgusting, FUCK itunes. remember way back when? a time when ipod was trying to lure you into its clutches? it promised no more spending 14.99$ on a whole cd when alls you wanted was 1 or 2 songs. NO, on itunes you only pay for the songs that YOU wanted to hear and they only cost .99$ each. well, not anymore. jokes on us now motherfuckers.

We all stopped buying cds and in doing so, did the best we could to make them extinct. But we didnt see the big picture, we got played. let me ask you this: how many of you are on your second or third ipod? and between your first til current, have lost, thrown out, or destroyed either through intentional action or just indifference, all of those base cds that started your playlist. Yeah, you trashed your ipod, lost it whatever, youre computer shit the bed too too, so now youre fucked. Your playlist just went from 8,000 songs on your original cpu and ipod down to only the 457 that you bought via itunes. AND, when you realized that you had spent 457$ on itunes you thought holy shit thats a lot of fucking money on spent downloading music. So you go back onto itunes and go to download some of the music you no longer have. and you notice, every fucking song you want to download now costs a 1.29$ OR even worse, you have to buy the whole fucking cd to get the 1 fucking song you want. now i find myself wishing i could find CDs but its impossible. Theyre like native americans, you know they exist but you can't find them anywhere.

And lastly, yesterday evening i was forced to watch the "real" housewives of new york. and i mean forced in every sense of the word, no way around it. my special lady friend had a rough nite, so she was watching what ever she wanted while i just hung out in bed with her. it was all good, i was reading X-Men comics, so i didnt care what she watched. around 11:40pm ,i thought she was donewatching tv, so i turned out the light so i could get some sleep. but no, it wasnt over. she wanted to watch this show, and i couldnt say no. alls i wanted to do was go to sleep, but it was fucking impossible. the bitches on that show are so ridiculous that its impossible to ignore it. i dare you to try, its FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE. it strikes a cord deep down in the bit of your bowels that makes you need to actively hate it, you just cant let the shit slide. like a lion attacking a gazelle, its instinct. its modern "entertainment" at its worst, i needed to just belittle and yell insults at the tv just so i could keep my sanity and not wake up feeling dirty. if i had a daughter id rather she become a porn star then one of the vapid soul-less talking cunts on that show
last nite they were talking about how hard it must have been for their friend to go on an all expenses paid vacation via yacht to a secluded tropical island. She was staying in an enormous mansion fully stocked with housekeeping and private chefs. words like courage, bravery, honor and respect were thrown around so loosely and casually that i actually had to look them up in the dictionary just to make sure that i understood what they meant.

i have a few Friends in the military, more then a few actually when you factor in the friends ive made through my friends in the military. They talk about doing much more imortant things under much more dangerous, unpleasant and hostile conditions with much less humility and praise. It was like she just single handedly overthrew the taliban on one leg, blind in both eyes while feeding starving babies and curing aids as she killed bin laden via ninja star instead of doing something the average person dreams about and works their whole life without ever experiencing.(BTW right now its 1:25am and i am listening to my FUCKING ipod as i type this and i got this new thing that every time Alabama Song comes on i drink Jameson, just so you know, thats happening now)
And thats all she wrote...